Daddy did you remember to pray for me
Did you think of me
Did you find a place in your heart for me
Did you
I would like to say
that I’am beyond wondering
why you weren’t there
why you didn’t care
to claim me
took no part in naming me
but your makings are all over me
took no part in raising me
yet I inherited your genetic disease
asthma arthritis allergies
belly round diabetic possibilities
I look more like your side than I care to see
yet you still managed to deny me
I would love to say that I forgave it all
and didn’t write them daddy hate poems
wish I could say I didn’t pen them verses
desperately pulling moist skin around the gaping hole you left
attempting to close unhealed wounds
Daddy I just want to know
did you at least remember to pray for me
because I might gain a little piece of mind
if you considered me before our father
resting assured that you cared a little
daddy did you pray
did you
huh?
did you hurt when you felt my absence
I would love to say that I
didn’t want you to hurt
that I didn’t want you to feel
empty and guilty
every time you hear my name
getting whiplash
from twisting your neck real fast
to see if I was somewhere in the room
Daddy, did your absence from me pain you?
If it didn’t that’s fine too
Evidence that God blessed you mightily
by hardening your heart like Pharoah’s
giving well placed callouses
that you might not entertain
guilt’s strain
I’m sorry to say I didn’t have the luxury of escaping that pain
But somehow I know
that you didn’t quite get away that clean
I know there had to be someone whispering bout me
some person saying something
not leisurely allowing you
to deny your child
daddy who advocated for me
because there is no evidence that you did
who championed for me
besides my mother
because she
she did the things that you should have done
and I ain’t talkin bout
payin bills and opening doors
but telling my siblings who I was
I remember those conversations they had
when she told each one of them that
you were my dad
and they all looked at me for the first time
recognizing that I was the girl
who was always around
and the sister they never knew they had
also being the youngest of them
my face was a reminder
that at some point in time
you did they momma bad
Daddy who came up in your ear
was it any one of your peers
who knew your cruel secret
and had enough guts to speak the truth
Was it God Himself who
was angry enough
to tongue lash you
Daddy
huh
Yeah
I’m still angry sometimes
you would think that after living this long
I would have let things go
but no
and believe me I tried
tried to talk myself into believing
that me being well was more important than you being there
I would go to God and try to
pray away care
I could say that
your absence made me better
and it taught me all of these things
and I am stronger
and I am a queen
and it would be true
but there
is a truth
deeper still
That truthfully I am not stilled
and each time I find some peace of mind
and think I have forgiven you
each time I stitch the wound
its good and clean for a little while
allowing me to forget and have a smile
then puss begins to seep out
proving
this festering infection is at the very core of me
the antibiotic of ministry has not cured
my scar tissue
no matter what I do
I can’t get over you
and like the Apostle Paul had a thorn in his side
I guess I have mine too
and I have trust issues
anger issues
and like other poets I got daddy issues
maybe that’s why I am a poet
maybe that’s why I am even any good
which just pisses me off more
to know that I am who I am because of you
and I don’t feel you deserve any credit
But maybe
if I knew you prayed for me
I could get healing